An Empath’s Worst Nightmare
This week has been, in some ways, an Empath’s worst nightmare.
While that may sound like an exaggeration, let me offer some context.
In addition to being a therapist, I also own and manage a group therapy practice. I am blessed to be surrounded by an incredible group of gifted therapists who are doing the good, hard work of feeling all the feelings, making meaning with them, and nurturing the healing that is needed in this world.
Running a group practice means that most days I wear the boss lady hat for at least part of the day and therefore have to make some difficult decisions.
In other words, I have to set a ton of boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. All the time.
For some reason, I chose a path that often requires me to do the very thing that I find most challenging—setting and holding people to a boundary. This is not uncommon for empaths—to go into a field that utilizes our empathy but also challenges it. It requires a willingness to grow, and the growth can be painful.
And this week was a growth week for me. I had to tell A LOT of people “no.” I had to disappoint them. For some, it felt sudden and even disturbing. And though it was necessary and right and appropriate to set these boundaries, it felt terrible.
I could feel their sadness, confusion, and disappointment. Rage was aimed at me. Appreciation and understanding also came my way. But as the one who set the boundaries and delivered the message, I was in the direct line of everyone’s stuff: their feelings, anxiety, confusion, and all their energy. Most of this was unspoken, and it all went right into me.
My body ached. I felt like crying. Often. It was sometimes hard to even think straight.
I could feel the stories I wanted to make up about myself pulling at me in the face of all these difficult feelings. That’s what highly empathic people do before we come to understand this part of ourselves - we feel everyone’s stuff and believe it’s all about us.
I had to work very hard not to identify with everything I was feeling.
To get through this boundary-setting bonanza I decided I had to hold onto my knowing for dear life. First, I asked for help - my therapist, a consultant, my mentor, friends - because a) it takes a village and b) I needed the reflection of people I trusted to help me sort out which stuff I was feeling was mine and what was everyone else’s. Take note fellow sensitive folks, it really helps to surround yourself with energy that feels good to balance out all the ick in a time like this.
Then I got still. Which was a challenge.
It felt like trying to meditate during a twister while the barn blew down around me and the cows flew by—it was really hard. But there was no point in taking the twister personally.
A few years ago I wouldn’t have done this.
This time around I let myself tolerate the full, sensate experience of everything I was absorbing from and feeling for others and despite how uncomfortable it was, I remained standing and in my knowing. I did my best to set the boundaries with all the love I had and remember that I was simply telling the truth.
When we tell the truth with love (my fave definition of a boundary) there is no room in there to see it as a cruel or hateful thing to do.
In the end, I got to feel my resilience, I was reminded AGAIN that setting boundaries won’t kill me even if it feels really uncomfortable and that when I trust my intuition and stand in my integrity, it always feels better in the end, for everyone.
So if you find yourself swimming in demands and expectations that you know are out of alignment with what you need, want, or have already set as a boundary, know that I’m right there in spirit and solidarity with you as you stand in your knowing and perhaps your “no.”
PS - stay tuned for a big announcement about boundaries next week…
Mark your calendar!
Tune in to IG Live on Monday, March 29th at 3:30 pm for the first episode in a series about Empaths and Narcissists. My friend Annette Leonard of the podcast Chronic Wellness and I will be doing a deep dive into this topic and getting curious about why empaths and narcissists tend to go together like peas and carrots. We will walk through the steps toward freeing yourself from toxic relationships and how to heal in the aftermath. Episode 1 - how setting boundaries is a powerful litmus test for relationship health.