An Intro to Echoism (for folks who wonder if they’re narcissists)
About three years ago I found myself doing a deep dive into all things narcissism. I needed to understand why I had found myself in yet another relationship with someone whose care for me felt so good and also so frightening.
Rather than blame them, I wanted to understand why this kept happening. What was it about me that had me unconsciously in relationship with people I was deep down afraid of (and killing parts of myself off in the process)?
I came across the work of researcher and psychologist Dr. Craig Malkin who is researching narcissism at Harvard. He described the idea that narcissism exists on a spectrum. So, instead of thinking of narcissism as a fixed way of being and one that is all bad, he suggests that there can be healthy levels of narcissism. A place in the middle of this spectrum is where a healthy ego resides. Too far to the right of this, however, brings us into unhealthy narcissism where we double down on ego and a defense rooted in “me or you” where there can only be one winner and the other has to be a loser.
It’s what was to the left of healthy narcissism on this spectrum that really grabbed my attention. He called it echoism, based on the Greek myth of Narcissus who was cursed to love only himself. Dr. Malkin recalled a character in the myth that doesn’t get talked about much (how apropos)—Echo.
You may recall that Echo was doomed to repeat the last few words of whoever she was with, possessing no voice of her own. She falls in love with Narcissus. While he stares in a pool of water at a reflection of himself saying, “You’re so beautiful, you’re so beautiful,” Echo stands nearby repeating to Narcissus, “You’re so beautiful, you’re so beautiful.”
This felt familiar. Suddenly I had language to describe a relational dynamic I had been playing out my whole life. Not in every relationship, but enough times that, without knowing it, I had been in echoism rehab for many years.
So, an echoist, or people who tend to reside on the echoism side of the spectrum might…
Have trouble taking up space in the world.
Accommodate who they are in a relationship with.
Find listening more comfortable than sharing anything of themselves.
Think they’re a burden to the other person.
Deny or avoid celebrating their achievements.
Worry that they’re a narcissist ( If you’re often wondering, am I a narcissist, you’re probably in echoism territory where having a self can feel selfish. )
Research shows that echoist traits can exist equally across the gender spectrum (and it tends to exist in those of us who are more emotionally sensitive). Echoists tend to have a hard time knowing what they desire and an even harder time expressing their desires for fear they are selfish.
It often sounds like, I can’t have a voice AND be loved in a relationship. Or If I express my desires I will lose their love (a familiar feeling and conundrum for an echoist). The child within each of us will choose attachment in order to survive. If not having a self, if being Echo feels like the only way to have attachment with another human, we will choose it and echoism becomes our way of surviving.
We can think of an empath as an energetic form of echoism, constantly attuned to what the other is feeling and often finding ways to accommodate it. It’s no wonder that empaths and narcissists tend to find one another.
Prior to a few years ago, I really thought I had worked all this nonsense with narcissists out. In my late 20’s I surveyed the land and noticed about a quarter of my friendships were with people who I walked on eggshells around. These friends were all incredibly interesting and charming, but I found myself working hard to please them, afraid to disappoint or disagree. When I started to express myself or allow myself to disappoint them, it didn’t go well. Discord and conflict arose between us. Those friendships didn’t last.
Blaming oneself for the pain in a relationship and the places where your boundaries are transgressed, is something an echoist does quite easily. Someone behaving narcissistically can’t accept being wrong or take responsibility for the ways they may hurt another, but the echoist will overcompensate, taking full responsibility for everything.
Have you seen the pattern of echoism show up in your life? In what ways can you use awareness of your patterns to create a healthy level of narcissism and choose healthy behaviors (and healthy relationships)?